UK nursery rhymes under EU threat!

Whatever the UK’s ultimate position in Europe, the EU’s political correctness/ ‘elf’n’safety’ brigade isn’t far away.

And no resting on our festive laurels here either! Even childhood nursery rhyme characters could one day become ensnared in lengthy litigation, starting with menacing letters like these:

1. ‘Little Miss Muffet’, you’ll recall, ‘sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away.’

Dear Miss Muffet, It is our understanding you have been publicly claiming you were left severely traumatised after allegedly being sexually assaulted by a spider while you were “innocently” eating a snack.

You have repeated this accusation on numerous occasions in the press and, in particular, on EU TV talk shows, but it is unsubstantiated and defamatory.

Our client claims you were sitting on a privately owned tuffet and he was simply “trying to scare you away”. Wheretofore we are instructed to instigate proceedings against you for defamation.

Yours sincerely, Winalot & Fleecem Ltd.

2. ‘Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.’

Dear Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs,

On behalf of our client, Jack, we intend to instigate formal proceedings against DEFRA for the inadequate maintenance of British hills. Jack’s severe injuries have “hampered his day-to-day life enormously, particularly marital relations with Jill”. It is imperative this case brings about significant changes to hills nationwide and promotes increased health and safety awareness.

Yours sincerely, Sue, Grabbitt & Runne Ltd.

3. ‘Rock-a-bye Baby on the tree top. When the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks the cradle will fall. And down will come baby, cradle and all.’

Dear Mrs Rock-Wife,

It has come to our attention that, as the wife of an ageing, hippy rock star, you allow your child to be rocked to sleep in a cradle on the tops of trees.

Please be advised that, on behalf of the Department for Education, we have been instructed to initiate a formal suit of child cruelty against you.

Furthermore, your counter-claim – that you should not be penalised for a potentially defective cradle – appears to be completely without merit.

However, we suggest you contact the Consummate Cradle Corporation Inc. regarding the latter issue.

Yours sincerely, Rolling, Stones & Moss Ltd.

Nora Johnson’s novels, Soul Stealer & The De Clerambault Code ( now also available at in paperback and as eBook (€0.99). Profits to Cudeca

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