Remains of Loch Ness monster found

Loch Ness Monster nationalist propaganda, Tory MSP accuses SNP Source: Anthony Shiels.

THE remains of a creature have been recovered from the bed of Loch Ness during the early stages of a pioneering new survey which employs a deep-water robot.

Unfortunately, the cadaver does not belong to the real Nessie, but a 30 foot model of the monster which is thought to have been discarded after the movie The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, directed by Billy Wilder, was finished.

The survey, a joint venture between Kongsberg Maritime, the Loch Ness Project and Visit Scotland, is being conducted using a robot called Munin and is due to last two weeks.

Unfortunately for believers, the results of the survey have failed to locate any live monsters thus far. Instead, it has revealed that the ‘Nessie trench’, which was believed to provide shelter for the beast in the northern part of the basin, does not exist at all.

Loch Ness project leader Adrian Shine said: “Because Munin can dive and navigate itself safely at great depth, it can approach features of interest and image them at extremely high resolution”, before adding that “sadly the trench is not there”.

Nessie tourism is worth an estimated €75.5 million to the Scottish tourism sector each year, despite a lack of evidence that the beast really exists. 

Visit Scotland chief executive Malcolm Roughead said: “We are excited to see the findings from this in-depth survey by Kongsberg, but no matter how state-of-the-art the equipment is, and no matter what it reveals, there will always be a sense of mystery and the unknown around what really lies beneath Loch Ness.”

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