A few of my unfavourite things … in 2017

LOOKING back over 2017, I can’t recall a year so full of odd clothes trends.

For instance, mismatched earrings and shoes, underwear intended as outerwear: slips, pyjamas, you name it. Likewise playsuits – which shouldn’t be worn by anyone over three – let alone such grotesque footwear as ‘flatforms.’ Even the bloody name makes me retch. And it’s hard to find an intact pair of jeans these days – the less denim there is, the more it costs. History will not judge any of these trends kindly.

And what about male fashion? Men in shorts in public: great on young, fit men with tanned legs and decent sandals. But totally yucky when paraded by paunchy, middle-aged individuals with pallid, white legs who invariably accessorise their creased baggy shorts with leather shoes and woolly socks. Still in the same category as reversed baseball caps for me.

Wasn’t it Coco Chanel who said that any man over 40 should always wear trousers and a jacket in public? Judging by the untidy hordes pouring into Waterloo station every morning, very good advice. 

Also, check out Philip Green to confirm the wisdom of always wearing a well-tailored jacket in public. And whilst I’m at it, an aunt said you should never trust a man with buckles on his shoes. Sound advice? Err, not so sure… 

And annoying words? Take: ‘nice.’ Why? Well, obviously, because it means everything and nothing: nice day, nice cup of tea, nice weather, nice person, nice sofa, nice new shoes, nice bunch of flowers… I could go on and on, and will. And my address isn’t ‘Memory Lane.’ Nice one!?

Now, I’m not a violent person but when someone uses the word ‘selfie,’ I see red mist.  Never mind the burkini, ban the moronic selfie-stick and its users!

And finally, why stop at mismatched earrings? Here are some other genius ideas, free and well ahead of the curve. Wellingtons with the foot bit cut off and the leg bit stitched to sandals (called ‘Sellingtons’). Plus trendy one-lens sunglasses, one-sleeve shirts. Rant over! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Nora Johnson’s psychological crime thrillers ‘The Girl in the Red Dress,’ ‘No Way Back,’ ‘Landscape of Lies,’ ‘Retribution,’ ‘Soul Stealer,’ ‘The De Clerambault Code’ (www.nora-johnson.net) available from Amazon in paperback/eBook (€0.99;£0.99) and iBookstore. All profits to Costa del Sol Cudeca cancer charity.