Dear Bipolar: It’s neither you or me

I realize now that you don’t like to be forgotten. That you believe the world revolves around you. I know this because, when I had the nerve to live my life without thinking about you for a while, you came up from behind and knocked me for six.

Were you happy that you ruined my lovely day, I wonder? Satisfied that I fell so hard and so fast that I sat crying in the dark for hours.

I should’ve been angry with you then. But I wasn’t. I was angry with myself, and I shouldn’t have been.

But I wonder if you were relieved, to be off the hook because I was blaming myself , obsessed with the idea that all of this was somehow my fault.

It has consumed my every thought. But you know that, don’t you?

Sat here wondering if I could have stopped it sooner, if I could have handled it better, if I could have prevented it altogether.

And wishing, desperately, that you hadn’t gotten so carried away.

Is this what you wanted?

It comes in waves you see, sometimes I can tread water and keep my head afloat, but then other times the wave comes crashing down , spins me and spits me back.

I’m giving you to much credit, Bipolar, and myself not enough.

There is no denial that I can’t afford to forget you, that you’re too “toxic”. I do blame you for being so relentless, so terrifying.

But I’m not angry. I wonder if this was just a tragic but necessary thing that has happened to me.

Did I choose you or did you choose me?

Maybe in some ways, it was inevitable, with no one to blame. Maybe it isn’t your fault and maybe it isn’t mine.

So I’m going to try and live with you, Bipolar.I’m going to be more aware so I can see you when you’re coming.

Because I can spend another week obsessing, upset and looking for someone to blame.

I can keep falling backwards, or I can move forward, a little wiser than I was before.

So we’ll move forward, then, you and I.

Because I get it, Bipolar, you don’t like to be forgotten.

Well, you’ve got my attention now.

Love Ms Bipolar X


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