Parts of my Bipolar life that you cant see

Many parts of my bipolar disorder are visible to my friends and family because they show externally and those that know me will see the daily changes. My mood swings are obvious and my triggers are easy to spot – close family & friends even prevent situations for me now as they know it can be a trigger, but there are heavier parts about living with bipolar disorder that are invisible, even to those closest to me.

I hate myself most of the time,  the girl ( I say girl – …I’m 30 this year!!) when I’m stable is the girl I love the most, however I’m not this girl very often!. When I’m depressed or manic I turn into someone I hate. This means I have little respect for myself, my needs get ignored and I have no self-esteem most of the time. No one sees this because I don’t talk about it and pretend to love myself, no matter how I really feel.

I don’t want to push anyone away. Sometimes I’m mean or cold to those closest to me. I don’t intend to be this way, but it’s hard to control my negative emotions. I have no filter, meaning that my harsh comments can shock and hurt those I love, I don’t want to push people away, but my actions do so anyway and this makes it hard to pull those people.

At times, everything seems daunting. During a down episode, I’m more than depressed. I’m anxious and easily overwhelmed by life and everyday tasks. Even little things like cleaning the cats litter box or getting dressed seem like too much.

 It’s hard to love. I feel a lot of emotions, sometimes all at once. Sadness, bliss, disgust and happiness can all affect my mood at the same time, and that leaves little room to love. I’m so focused on the negatives of my life that it’s difficult to romantically love someone. So I avoid it, I avoid meeting new people. I have avoided dating for over a year, its damaging but easier.

The side effects of my medication really bother me. If I want to try and maintain stability, I have to follow every rule by the book. Ie, medication without fail every day at the same time and no alcohol. But the side effects of shakiness, excessive sweating and dry mouth, are unbearable. They are hard to deal with and still bother me immensely, even after having them for so long.

I worry about how I treat others. My irritability makes me anxious about what I say and how I treat others. I worry because I don’t ever want to hurt anyone, but I know that unintentionally, my words can anyway.

I worry about how I treat myself. During a depressive episode, I neglect myself and my basic needs. I worry about how I treat myself when I’m not stable. Most of the time I feel like I don’t care about myself. I want to love myself and treat myself in the way I deserve, but most of the time I just don’t care. If I swamp too low I end up hurting myself .

Living with bipolar disorder isn’t easy. Parts  of my life with bipolar are not only unpleasant, but invisible to those around me. Even though I’m in pain nearly all the time, my disorder is only partially visible and understood. I’m hoping that telling you about these things will make you understand what lies beneath a suffering soul trying to be brave and SMILE.

Love Ms Bipolar x

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