I’m not a “ride or die” kind of girl

I scroll through social media and see others posting about their #rideordie and #squadgoals. It makes me feel empty, boring and self – defeated.

I mean, I’m pretty cool. I can be fun. I’m nice. I’m a good listener. I would drop everything to help someone who needed me. I can be spontaneous (at times!)

But on Fridays you will find me at home. You can also find me there Saturdays through Thursdays. It’s easier to be home than make plans. And besides, making plans risks it going wrong or having to cancel because I am not feeling well and who needs one more thing to stress about anyway?

So I sit at home, in my comfy clothes, and scroll through social media watching everyone else on these last minute unplanned adventures and wonder why can’t I be like that ? It’s the ultimate vicious circle, it seems.

My whole energy goes on getting through a normal day with not having a wobble that actually doing something that isn’t usually in my routine can send me into a complete meltdown. Will an hour date with a few friends fill my happy bucket, or drain me with stories that I simply don’t get because it’s not part of my lifestyle? The adrenaline rush of knowing gossip, and the desire to check out new bars and passion for high heels is simply not a part of me anymore.

But then I deal with the guilt. Guilt at missing out on being young. Guilt at not being involved with my friends. Guilt on not going on those fun-nights out.

I’d like to shake these feelings away but it’s hard, emotionally it hurts. I long for having fun stories to tell.

Maybe it will ease up in time or maybe, I am not #rideordie material. I am however lucky that my friends stick by me through the good, the bad and the ugly. Their love for me is unconditional as is mine for them. And isn’t that what they really mean by #rideordie?

Love Ms Bipolar x