Five Things We Hope Happens In Sunak’s Conference Speech

Today’s the big day for the UK’s ruling Conservatives; the final day of their party conference in Manchester and an afternoon speech from the big cheese, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak

So what can we look forward to this afternoon? Rumour is the cancelling of the Birmingham to Manchester leg of blighted HS2. Something that may produce a few awkward moments as it must be the conference equivalent of telling the host of a party that their quiche looks like cat sick and, sorry, but you’ve just broken the flush on their toilet.

Since we don’t know what delights await us with Sunak’s speech, we thought of five things we would really like to see from him this afternoon.

ONE: A Run-down Of His Favourite Middle Aisle Lidl Buys

Rishi is a man of the people and surely even billionaires like a good bin-dip in the middle aisle of Lidl. A good five minutes should be dedicated to his best purchases, like that salad spinner he got in 2022 or the wet suit he snaffled when taking half an hour out from opening a new cement works in Wrexham. 

TWO: Crowd Surfing In The Conference Mosh Pit

It seems to me that what is really needed after the mic-drop of scrapping HS2, is for Rishi to throw up his arms (white shirt, sleeves rolled up precisely three times), yell “Let’s have it Man-chest-aaaahhhhhh!” before throwing himself headlong into the mosh to be carried, shoulder high, by a legion of mid-thirtysomething Fionas and Marcuses in their sensible Marks and Spencer suits.

THREE: Introducing Special Guest Donald Trump

The best gigs have a last-minute, unannounced super-star special guest and Donald Trump is at a bit of a loose end at the moment so is the obvious choice, particularly as he could fit in the appearance with a quick visit to Scotland to knock some golf balls around. Imagine the endorsement of The Donald riffing “Richie’s a great guy, a great guy. Everyone says so. When I’m President again, Richie and I will be getting together to negotiate a deal to make your island of the United Emirates great again. Not as great as America of course, that’s the greatest.” 

FOUR: A Winner Takes All Game Of ‘Lord Of The Bins’

With Suella Braverman waiting in the wings to grab the keys to No.10, a strong leader like Rishi needs to take the battle to the frenimy. There is no more perfect way than to use his time on the stage to challenge Suella to a game of Lord of the Bins. Rules are simple, each contestant is given a selection of recycling and has to guess which, out of Rishi’s scrapped seven bins, is the correct one for the item of rubbish. In deference to the UK’s first past the post political system, the one who is first to guess the correct bins for 10 items of recycling walks away with the Tory leadership. 

FIVE: Quick Fire Round of ‘North Or South’

One thing is for sure, Rishi has a lot of work to do convincing the people of the North (‘the North’ being anything North of Hampstead for Rishi) that he still cares about levelling them up. What better way to do that than to demonstrate his undoubted encyclopaedic knowledge of all things Northern. We’re hoping to see some part of his conference session dedicated to inviting the audience to shout out the name of an object, or place, to give him the opportunity to show that he knows whether it’s Northern or Southern in origin. “Yorkshire Parkin!” they yell, “Indeed!” replies Rishi, “I’m committed to ensuring there is ample parking in Yorkshire and other areas of the Midlands and to carry out my pledge of ending the war on motorists.”