Corona Chameleons

The universe sometimes returns an ex, just to see if you’re still stupid.
That’s what happened to me last week when I was contacted, via WhatsApp chat. There wasn’t so much of a chat, instead, I was asked if I wanted to have sex again. I didn’t bother to reply, I deleted the message and laughed. Apart from the fact that said ex is in Monaco, and I’m in Marbella, the very idea that I wanted to share as much as an espresso, let alone a bed, made my stomach turn. An hour or so later, I was watching a movie and could hear my phone beeping from another room. Eventually, I went to investigate- more similar messages, all from the same sender, filed in my phone as ‘Don’t Answer!’ I realised I’m happy to be single.
However, it threw up the question of what I’ll do next. If lockdown is to continue, one way or another, for the foreseeable future, perhaps I should take my friend Raf’s advice, and snoop on the dating apps. It’s a long time since I ventured into the strange world of dating apps, and last time, I recall it was a minefield. So many odd people- some desperate, some angry, some scarily crazy. I’m sure I fit into one of those categories, lord knows which one, but I couldn’t take it seriously. I checked, and so many people, all ready to chat. However, some, like the aforementioned ex, went straight to sex. I know people use apps for hookups, and that’s all good. But, basic, boring people, demanding XXX photos, without offering as much a clear face photo. Come on!
Don’t get wrong, I’m confident, but after 9 weeks in lockdown, eating pasta, it would require Mario Testino to take my photos, if I wasn’t going to scare people. Then there are those, who insist their photos are recent, even though they are clearly taken at bars, restaurants, or clubs, which have been closed for years. Surely, a recent photo is necessary, if we’re going to move past “hello”. What next, we chat for months before meeting, and when we do, they’ve aged twenty years, gained 15 kilos, and somehow lost their hair? These, are what I call the Corona Chameleons- a new breed of online daters, or online fakers, who create a whole new world, and image for themselves, as they know they have little, or no chance of meeting anytime soon. After just one hour of this bizarre world, I decided it wasn’t for me, deleted the apps and opened more wine.
Like most, I had really missed my morning run. Admittedly, some days, the only way to move my ass and do it, was to reward myself with breakfast at The Marbella Club afterwards. When the government announced that exercise was permitted, I was like a giddy child at Christmas. So much so, I went to bed early, in order to be ready to go at 6am. My house is directly on the beach, and having the spent the last two months staring out to sea, to finally be free was a strange feeling.
I ran as fast as I could along the water’s edge, listening to Dimitri from Paris. Breathing the fresh morning air and realising, that the real world is waiting for us. All of nature, having been left alone, now in excessive bloom. Strangers, smiling as we pass. Perhaps, COVID lockdown has been something of a reset button from the universe. Having been locked away, suddenly I notice so many beautiful people running by. Marbella, I salute you. Who needs online, when we have real life? Remember, the universe who sends the ex back into your life is the same one who sends you many great opportunities each day. Now is the time to open our eyes, and most certainly our hearts

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Written by

Gavin Lambe-Murphy

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