So, when all else fails…

HOCKEY TEAM: Could show our footballers a thing or two.

IT’S high time we began using the superstitions and beliefs of the Islamic extremists for our own ends. If we can’t persuade their more fanatical religious leaders to desist from feeding their young and vulnerable followers propaganda from the dark ages, we need to introduce a great deal more of our own guile and deviance into the equation. 

Personally I would begin with their aversion and fanatical revulsion to pork. As ridiculous as it may sound, there have been a number of examples where seeing off extremists with an accompaniment of pork products has led to a peaceful conclusion. 

Recently Donald Trump cited the (heavily disputed) case of General Pershing, who allegedly, in 1911 ordered the execution of 50 Islamic terrorists. Before the firing squad opened up, he made them all dip their bullets in pig blood and fat. Making sure the intended victims observed this, he then ordered 49 to be shot. The last man he set free, telling him to relay the action to his compatriots.

Legend has it that there were no more terrorist-related incidents for 42 years. Personally, I’m seriously considering carrying a slice of bacon. Where to put it is the problem. In the wallet perhaps? Have to be careful at the checkout (sorry sir, we don’t accept rashers!) Round the neck perhaps. Morning vicar! I dunno. I don’t mean to make light of the whole tragic scenario, but sometimes, when all else fails……

Watched all the GB ladies’ Olympic hockey games. Grr! Apart from all that, what a lesson our soccer brigade could take from these modern day Boadiceas. The semi-final was like WW3. 

One team member left the pitch, merely to get stitched up. Another was hit on the chin by a ball approaching 100mph! Injuries of this ilk would have sent our pontificating football pillocks, who appear to spend more time in the tattoo parlours and hairdressers than on the pitch, scurrying to the ER. Well done girls. Any of you fancy an older man! 

All love Leapy.        
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