David Worboys – ‘Ere We Go Again

‘Ere we go again! Yours truly has noticed there are not enough people with blue eyes featured in U.K. television commercials, soap operas and news programmes. And, despite the fact that seventy percent of the population is severely overweight, fewer than a quarter of actors and newscasters appearing on our screens are obese. It must be discrimination. Who is trying to cover up the true demographic diversity of our population? Is it a plot by the Conservatives?

In the UK, bestiality is illegal. Presumably, in the increasingly liberal future (perhaps by 2040), it will be decriminalised if between consenting parties. Lawmakers will have to decide whether or how the animal has expressed its consent. A Californian preacher is already ordained to conduct marriage ceremonies between a human and an animal. In South Sudan, a man caught shagging a goat was forced to marry it and pay the owner a dowry. I predict that, by 2050, for every hundred men married to a woman in the UK there could be twenty married to another man and one married to an animal, such as a pig or a porcupine. The proud husbands will doubtless feature in TV commercials.

A comedian called Stuart Lee is working on one of Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies. He seeks to bring Macbeth “up to modern standards” by rewriting the humorous scene with the drunk porter. Why not write his own comedy piece without reference to the Bard? By 2040, we may have to watch King Lear or Hamlet performed in modern speech, with cockney accents, set in a Millwall nightclub.

Rugby matches may soon be preceded by a warning to viewers. “Please note that the following programme contains scenes of extreme violence”. The transmission of afternoon matches, such as Six Nations could even be delayed until after 9 pm, when sensitive viewers are safely tucked up in bed. At the end of each match: “If you have been affected by any of the scenes in this programme, you can find help on the following number”.

This is all about progress, of course. First, if we allow more obese people to fill (sic) our TV screens, they will become accepted as the norm, and we shall each feel obliged to stuff ourself unceasingly with take-away pizzas, pork pies and Cola until we get wedged in our front door. Then there should be no discrimination.

Second, a man should be free to express his love and desire with whom he chooses and in whatever way suits him, whether it be another man or a walrus.

Third, we should not have to endure the arduous task of watching or listening to the greatest works in literature in their original form.

And finally, if we allow our children to watch physical contact in sport, they may develop violent tendencies. We could even have teenagers stabbing each other in the street!