Mike Senker – Can i help you with anything?

SO here’s a little tip for all the moronic idiotic companies that ask me to take a survey after I’ve been hanging on to speak to a person for 45 minutes, then got cut off mid chat and had to call back on your premium number. DON’T! OK, just DON’T unless you want big fat zeros on every question asked! I can’t even do that sometimes because they don’t allow a zero mark which is ludicrous! It’s not a good idea to ask me if my query was sorted the first time if it’s the fifth time I’ve called! You don’t have to ask for my feedback on everything I do. Every time I stay in a hotel, hire a car or phone a helpline I get asked for my feedback.  If I phone Vodafone within five minutes I’ve got a call or a text asking my opinion on how my call was handled.

I contacted Microsoft live chat because my keyboard and cable needs renewing and was told my £900 Surface Pro 2, which is only two and a half years old and works fine, was now defunct and Microsoft no longer stock any replacement parts but I might find them on EBay or Amazon. Now this winds me up big time on its own because nothing these companies do is backward compatible. Why do they have to change the charger cable for every model? Then at the end of the chat the technician says, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” and I say, “Well actually what have you helped me with today?  Absolutely nothing! All you have done is, in fact, told me you can’t help me with anything so what else would you like to have a go at? My tax return? The times crossword? The meaning of life?

They have now gone and five minutes later I get an email asking me to rate my experience!! Are you sure? I mark everything the lowest I can and write my reasons in the boxes provided. It won’t achieve anything but hey ho.

What about apps for phones? I use a few of the messaging ones and free call ones. Every time they update they ask me do I want to fill out my profile so I can connect with other people. No I don’t. If I did I would have done it the first time you asked. No I don’t want to add a photo or my location or my date of birth or hook up with people nearby. All I want to do is send my mates or family a message now and again and even call them OK? Leave me alone!  You and yer bloody algorithms can get lost.