Nora Johnson – Serving up all the wrong ingredients

Back in the UK recently I noticed there’s currently a trend among chefs for glib brevity with menus. A kind of adjective-free minimalism like this: “Beef, potato, leaves, ferment”. It feels like every restaurant in London with culinary pretensions describes dishes as a list of ingredients. A narcissistic and unhelpful trend that’s utterly played-out. The die was cast when things started costing 3.5 or 12. Hmm!

Words are helpful. Pictures, too. The realistic, plastic representations of dishes even more so, especially in foreign countries (like Japan) when neither traditional dishes are known, or ways of cooking.

I don’t suppose Leonardo da Vinci was ever asked to pitch ‘Mona Lisa’ on a sheet of A4 but, if he had been, he wouldn’t have typed “Paint. Woman. Smile”.
Imagine if marketing/promotional stuff for movies was like this: 1. America. Italian Family. Father. Son. Horse’s Head. 2. Young Boy. Lost Alien. Returns Home. 3. Pink. Gosling. Ryan.

Or, describing politicians: Ex-President USA. Insurrection. Indictment. Guilty? Prison? Nearer home: 1. PM. Multi-millionaire. Small boats. On the Ropes. 2. Ex-PM. Lockdown-Busting Parties. Wallpaper. Lies. 3. Ex-PM. Referendum. Brexit. Shame.

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 However, it’s no secret that institutions like restaurants develop their own language, sometimes in the interests of time and, sometimes, confidentiality. Restaurant staff use various terms to describe their customers, sometimes derogatory, occasionally complimentary. So, when next in your favourite restaurant consider how you’re maybe being described.

While lots of regular customers are referred to by what they regularly order or their idiosyncrasies (for example, “Extra garlic”, “Doggie-bag lady”, “Lousy tipper”), “PIA” is code for “Pain in the **** ”, “HAF” means “Had a Few” and “FF” in the reservation book against your name means you’re “F***ing Fussy”. Oops!

Doctors too have their codes. While a “GLM” is a “good looking mum” with “GLL” (“great looking legs”) and an “FLK” a “funny looking kid”, a “TBP” is a “total bloody pain”, a “GPO” is “good for parts only” and “TEETH” is “Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy”. Plus cases that are “LOB” (“load of bollocks”) and individuals who are “TF Bundy” (“totally f***ed but unfortunately not dead yet”).

“Digging for Worms” is varicose vein surgery, the “Departure Lounge” the geriatric ward while “Handbag Positive” is a confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on a hospital bed clutching a handbag.

While the most common call-out for ambulance services is to elderly ladies who’ve fallen over (a “nan-down”) and the special ambulances used to transport obese patients are “fat trucks”, regular visitors to A&E on Friday/Saturday nights are also classified. “UBI” is an “Unexplained Beer Injury”, a “PFO” a drunken patient who’s injured himself falling over, while a “PGT” “Got Thumped” instead. One doctor ending up in court had to explain “TTFO” (“Told To F*** off”). Fortunately, he came out with: “To take fluids orally”. Oops again!

Call centres have similar codes for their technical helplines. A blatantly obvious query is categorised as an “RTFM on line 1”- code for “Read The F***ing Manual”. Which reminds me of a similar code used in East Anglia hospitals until fairly recently: “NFN” or “Normal for Norfolk”.

Nora Johnson’s 12 critically acclaimed psychological suspense crime thrillers (www.nora-johnson.net) all available online including eBooks (€0.99; £0.99), Apple Books, audiobooks, paperbacks at Amazon etc. Profits to Cudeca cancer charity.