Nora Johnson – Are you Frugal or Filthy?

Is the cost-of-living crisis driving us to share baths in a way not seen since the long hot summer – and extreme water shortage – of 1976? Remember that one? Well, soap manufacturer Cussons would have us believe so, claiming that eye-watering energy bills have led to folks running AND sharing fewer baths. How does this idea wash with you?

Television presenter Sarah Beeny is one of those countryside-based folks – together with four sons and a builder husband. In fact, she’s said she’s the last one to get in the bath, after her family. Truly parenting of a high order. But does this idea wash with the great British public?

Now, the UK has form here. Boudica, Queen of the Iceni, claimed the reason her tribe were able to hold off the invading Romans for so long was because, whereas the Romans used hot baths and were consequently “soft” and “flabby”, the Ancient Brits just washed in the stream keeping them tough and hard. (Drinking real ale, not poncy Roman wine was another, but we digress.)

Surely things have improved in the intervening centuries? Apparently not, it seems. Take a pal of mine who emigrated to Australia in the 80’s and was constantly teased about pommie bathing habits. Comments like: “My tongue’s as dry as a pommie’s towel!” (thirsty), and “where’s the safest place to hide your money in a pommie’s house?” – “Under the soap, of course!”

When she later returned to the UK, she couldn’t believe what she saw – or smelled. And how phobic many Brits still are to personal hygiene. Living in flats that don’t have a shower you could drown a mouse in, co-workers who smelled of stale beer and sweat, and a smelly Tube which at rush hour made you long for a head cold.

Which reminds me of another pal of mine who, together with her brother and parents, was part of a truly pioneering family. Through the 70’s and 80’s on a Sunday night she would have a bath followed by her mum and dog and then the bath water was bailed out to water the garden. On a Wednesday night it was the turn of the brother, dad, other dog and again bailed onto the garden. What a truly forward-looking eco-family, so far ahead of their time!

Maybe some think they’re saving the planet by inflicting others with their stench and grime. They’re not. They’re just being smelly. If that’s their contribution to a greener planet, we’re all good and stuffed. If they really want to do something positive, they should ditch the car, walk, use public transport. Stop flying. Stop using plastics and non-recyclable containers overloading landfills for centuries. Live in a yurt and raise free-range, pot-bellied pigs (for Waitrose or posh locals who’ll happily pay for anything “organic”) in the woods where nobody will notice just how filthy they are.

Companies keen to shift their products have form for reporting bogus trends. Maybe inventing trends is a trend. Maybe publishing rubbish is also a trend. Either way, spare a thought for the homeless who’ll doubtless be thrilled to be way ahead of this “soap-dodging” one!

Nora Johnson’s 12 critically acclaimed psychological suspense crime thrillers (www.nora-johnson.net) all available online including eBooks (€0.99; £0.99), Apple Books, audiobooks, paperbacks at Amazon etc. Profits to Cudeca cancer charity.